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my escape from hell [27 Aug 2012|02:07pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

So... it has been 2 years since I last posted. Wow. So much has changed.

Not at Big Bowl anymore. Things got really REALLY bad and despite many years of effort to make it better it only got worse. What was once my favorite place to be, to go, to work and socialize descended into hell on earth. For a long time I knew things were bad, I knew I needed to move on, but somehow I never found the strength.

Last year around this time I seriously considered leaving after a misunderstanding that got blown way out of hand. It was a fight or flight moment. I chose to fight and in hindsight that choice was the final push into hell. I may have kept my job but what that "fight" created was a sea of egg-shells I walked on every day and huge target on my back.

Someone who should have been a mentor, someone who should have encouraged and supported decided that I was enemy #1 and she wanted me out. To say that my work life was effected by this would be the greatest understatement of the century. For ten months I endured a full frontal attack. It got so bad that the thought of going into work made me want to throw up.

Anyway, in early May the other shoe dropped, something FINALLY clicked in me and I was able to walk in and quit -- on the spot. It was the most amazing, liberating thing I have done for myself in a very long time; and walking out of that place that morning I felt a huge weight lifted off of me.

And now, 3 months later, I have a new job at an amazing new restaurant -- I continue to do my shows (and love every minute of that.) And most of all, I'm happy again.

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FANTASTIC [17 Aug 2010|12:05am]
I'm kind of loving life right now! I'm in love, well platonic-ly anyway. A new friend that has changed everything!! I'm very excited!!
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Kung Pao or Pad Thai? [24 Jun 2010|04:05pm]
[ mood | awake ]

::The Bowl has been pretty drama free of late. No break ups or hook ups or break downs. Its been fairly calm. There is still a lot of bull shit we deal with daily, both from each other and from customers, but I think the bowlers are learning to handle things with a little more class::

::The one thing that is totally class-less is the game of human bumper cars a handful of employees like to play. To name a few: Peter, Ryan, Don, Justin, Mark, Luz, Jimmy, Victor. They all have this issue with space, it seems when there is ample space to get around someone and/or something they choose the less common route of through you instead of around you. They bash into you with all their might, shoving their way until they get to whatever it is they need. No one is safe. And if you are lucky enough to get an "excuse me" it is usually after you've been body slammed any which way against a wall or another person, a computer, a garbage can, whatever::

::And don't get any ideas about saying something to them because that is just rude. How dare you expect any sort of common courtesy from fellow co-workers. There may be no I in team but there certainly is a ME and they take that ME very seriously. They are busy, they can't wait the 1 minute its going to take to let you get out of those tiny bev station safely, oh no! Are you kidding? No no, it doesn't matter if you are busy too, all that matters is what they want, when they want it, and if you're in their way then you've got a target on your back!::

::Some of the worst offenders are the bartenders. I have a theory... they are so use to that little bar space that is all theirs, safe and off limits to everyone else except managers, who often get told to get out too. So when they are serving on the floor, away from their little safe "me" zone they can get territorial about common spaces. They get offended when you are in their way, but if you say "excuse me, I need to get in here please" they fly off a rail, offended that you need to get into what the consider "their space" before they are willing to share it!::

::Double standards run pretty deep in the land of noodles and rice. Managers can wear lots of jewelry, but if a non manager goes a little crazy on the bangles they are warned to "tone it down." Managers can wear their hair down, employees can't. Facial hair a little scruffy? Not a problem is you're a manager, but if you're a server "shave or take some time off until it grows in, no transitional facial hair."::

::The double standard that hits home the most for me is mood/attitude. I will be the first to admit that I am not sunshine and rainbows. I talk a lot and loudly and I have opinions that have a hard time keeping quiet. I'm a very emotional person, sometimes for good reason sometimes for bad and even no reason at all::

::My emotions affect me a lot and it can be INCREDIBLY hard for me to hide them. So when I'm in a mood that is anything but perfect I get talked to. I'm told "no one wants to be around you when you're in a mood, find a coping mechanism for your bad days and eventually you won't have them anymore." Really? OK, fair enough I guess. I can be pretty salty sometimes. But don't think for a second each and every one of those managers can't be just as moody, bitchy, goofy, pissy, snotty, mopey, and about a hundred other angst-y dwarfs too!!::

::Ray used to be the human mood ring, changed moods every couple hours. You never saw the change coming until your head was verbally sliced off and rolling on the floor. He had, well HAS, his favorites too. It took a while for him and I to find a common ground and a rhythm to that, but we have and I'm glad of it. He has really found a middle ground and is really great fun to be around, even when he is a little moody. Luna is a middle aged man trapped in the body of an emotional 17 year old girl. I can't even deal with him most of the time, I can only imagine what the kitchen staff thinks of him::

::Kim is a roller coaster of late, never know where she is in her daily emotional ride. That said Kim and I have gotten to what I think is a really safe place, for now. Linda is usually pretty peppy. She's a little like that girl in high school that never made it as a cheerleader but had all the heart for it and was just as annoying but not as bitchy. And Ryan (aka Dragon) is always the same; calm, collected and nice. Really he is just a nice guy. If you tick him off you've got something coming but it takes quite a bit to do that!::

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Noodles and Rice [19 Jun 2010|01:32pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

::So I've decided to start posting again, even if no one reads, that's OK::

::My new thoughts come from the land of noodles and rice aka Big Bowl, the home of unnecessary drama and incredible stupidity::

::Erica is getting a divorce and has emotionally attached to Mark for comfort (and who knows what else) But Mark is in total love with Lily, and most likely has no intention of following through with any sort of fantasy Erica has projected onto him (that said Mark is probably just trying to be a good person and be supportive for her, unknowingly encouraging her grotesque crush)::

::Lily is married, sometimes happily, sometimes not, it depends on the day. On days/weeks/time clusters she is happy her and Mark have a strained 'friends' vibe that can walk a very tight line of love and disgust. When the marriage ain't so hot Mark and Lily are attached at the hip. They are incredibly similar in that they have such syncopated habits they could live flawlessly together and never miss a cigarette or that 14th cup of coffee for a little extra boost at 11pm::

::Ryan loves Clara (who is not a big bowler) but they broke up so Ryan took to hitting on several female staffers including Helen (who would kill me if she knew I was journal-ing about her). So Ryan pursued Helen until one day him and Clara were together again. Now the two cocaine-laced lovers can continue to have one of the most toxic and fucked up relationships I have ever witnessed (and that is saying A LOT)::

::Helen is a serial bachelorette. She is very pretty but has a fleet of 18 wheelers full of emotion baggage from only God knows what. Now this is a little "the pot calling the kettle black" since that totally describes me too but that's a can of worms NO ONE wants open. Why on earth Ryan zoomed in on her, for the month or so he did, is a quite the mystery::

::Kim is lovely, physically. And when she is in a good mood she also has a totally lovely personality. Recently her relationship ended, we think she got broken up with, and since then she has been a fire ball of 'tude. Absent and abrasive all at once. Salty and sassy and all around fucking annoying. Lauren recently got engaged and upon seeing Lauren's beautiful ring and the smile on that girls face Kim announces "that depresses me." I'm sorry, what? How about a congratulations for the girl who just had a diamond put on her finger!::

::Peter is, well, Peter. Drinks, and I mean DRINKS, every day. Works hungover and sometimes drunk every morning. Peter is in love with Kelley. In LOVE, L O V E, with her. And who wouldn't be. The best way to paint a picture of Kelley is to say she is every Disney princess wrapped in to one body, with the most beautiful hair you have ever seen, eyes that could catch the glow of a fire bug and light a football field, a killer set of boobs and a rock hard ass::

::Kelley is in love with Mat (another non big bowler) who was her ex that treated her like absolute shit and broke her heart into tiny little unfix able pieces. She dated Jose (an ex bowler) for awhile, but he was simply the the Spanish doppelganger of Mat because he was a down right douche as well. But now she is back with Mat, thinking things are different. Meanwhile Peter watches from the side lines, hoping she'll come around to him "some day"::

::And they all live in this little Americanized Asian world known as Big Bowl. "Like rice kernels through the steamer racks so are the Big Bowls of our lives"::

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Berit [24 May 2010|10:43pm]
[ mood | drunk ]

::Berit is CRAZY::

::She's fucking Nuts!! Banana NUTs::

::The End::

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Mortality [16 Oct 2009|02:19pm]
My dad's sister Josephine had a massive heart attack this week
She is already in poor health and the attack just made things worse
I called her this morning in the hospital and shes totally out of it
It is almost certain she will die, soon
I have never been close to my dad's family
They have never welcomed me into their lives
Except Josephine
She welcomed me with open arms, treated me with respect and love
She was my only link to that side of my family aside from my dad
When she dies I no longer get updates on my cousins
No longer get calls about Brittany's games or Alex's new born son
My dad does not want to put me in the lions den with them
He'd rather keep us separate, so as not to ruffle feathers
With her goes my open door to them
With her goes that family history that dad is never willing to talk about
What do you do when the safe path is gone and there is no other one to take its place
While it may have been unpleasant she made them see me
She brought me to them and said look at her, she is family
Whether they wanted to or not she made them accept that I existed
I will be cut off from them when she goes
I'm not sure I am strong enough, or if I even want, to make my own path to them with out her next to me
She is this very strong pillar against which I stand to them
Why even bother
They don't want me around, they never have
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Forever and a Day [11 Mar 2009|10:01pm]
[ mood | calm ]

::I know I do a lot of complaining of this journal, and not much else. I'm not even posting as often as I should or could. That said I REALLY need to get this latest irritant off my chest::

::I've been employed at Big Bowl for almost a year now. I think I have proven time and time again that I am a hard worker, I'm here to make money, and in this business the way to do that is to be a team player. Yeah ok its lame but its what gets you noticed by management and gets you the good shifts so you CAN make money::

::Quite a while ago I got secret shopped twice within 5 days of each other. Its a long shot to get shopped at all so to get shopped twice in a week is NUTS and totally unheard of. Nevertheless I did and my first shop was a perfect 5, my second a not-so-perfect 4. Unfortunately that not-so-perfect shop put me in a bit of a cage. No matter how hard I worked or tried to show I deserved better shifts all I was really doing was beating my head against the wall. I was really feeling beat down and defeated::

::When I got my review, about 2 months ago, one of the major things my GM said was that lately I was a pretty extreme roller coaster. My good days were great and my bad days were really obvious and everything they dislike in an employee. That meeting, while being a bit fruitless in trying to express concerns of mine, did open my eyes to their concerns. Ever since I've tried very hard to play by the rules so to speak. I'm not a good liar, and I'm NOT a good actress, I can't pretend to be jolly when I'm not and I can't hide when I'm pissed but I can tell myself that if I don't go in there everyday with a good attitude I won't make money and that defeats the purpose of going in at all::

::So last week I got secret shopped again, and what do you know, a perfect 5, total praise right across the board! How do you like that! So sure enough the new schedule comes out and almost like magic my 2-3 first cut shifts a week turn into 5-6 closing/late cut shifts! Practically over night I'm all of a sudden valued! That fucking shop did more for me in 5 seconds then all my caged, wall beating efforts of the last 11 months! Presto!::

::Now today I go in for a lunch shift and find out one of my closing shifts (which for me are quite coveted since I've been begging for them for months) is duel scheduled; meaning someone else is also scheduled to close in the same section in that same shift - how irritating, although not the most agitating part of my afternoon. The other server scheduled along side of me keeps making these comments about how she's so hard up and she's finally getting closing shifts again ("again" b/c she left the company for 5 months and then returned only about 3 months ago). And then another employee starts in on me, 'oh well I KNOW "coworker A" won't give it up so you two'll have to rock paper scissor it or something b/c I know she won't give it up - unless you'll give it up? Will you give it up?'::

::On and on and on, from both of them. While trying to take these comments in a way that does not make it sound like they both think I should give up my shift, they just keep coming at me. Really? Really? Is this what I get to deal with now? I finally start getting noticed and so along with 'em I get these backhanded comments? Yes we both got it and yes we both deserve it but that does not mean that one of us should be underhandedly bullied. AWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!::

::In all honestly I know that they both were just trying to help resolve the situation. The bystander just trying to see if I'd graciously bow out (which lets face it, do I ever graciously bow out?) and my co-scheduled friend was just trying to get her shift, I'd have probably done the same if I hadn't have been cornered with it by her first. Its one of those stupid things that create this never-ending chain that just irritated the piss out of me about that place! Complaints and gripes aside I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel and that releaving::

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... [12 Jan 2009|06:31pm]
::I know I have no social life::

::I know I SUCK at staying in contact with the people that I care about::

::I know its unfair of me to want to know everything about the people I love when I don't even have time to call them::

::I don't know why when something big happens to someone I love I'm not even told about::

::I don't know why I'm so hurt by not being told::

::I don't know why I'm surprised - after all - what do I matter, I can't even pick up the fucking phone to call - right::

::I'm tired, I'm poor, I'm stressed and I'm hurt::
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What a morning... [06 Jan 2009|11:43am]
[ mood | enraged ]

::One small silly thing and I reel into an anger so tight, so thorough that I start shacking and crying and imagining punching walls and wanting to scream so much I shatter glass::

::Building & building & building the anger has to come out, somehow has to come out but I can't punch a wall and I can't scream and so I cry, like some idiot::

::My stupid, insignificant life and the horrible people in it that I see every day and whom I have to be so fake to just to get through the day without confrontation or the threat of unemployment - its a joke, on me I think::

::I work my ass off to scrape the bottom of the barrel EVERY month to pay my bills; and I miss my friends, the people I never see b/c I'm too busy working toward being something I don't know how to be::

::I try, I really do, to stay as positive as I can about things I know aren't fair and things I know I'll never change - but when something really shitty happens to you and you alone you can't always rise above it - sometimes you need to be mad, I need to be mad::

::As irritating and infuriating as it is to think I'm 5 again I know I need to cry and scream and through a tantrum because if I don't, if I try and let it go it'll sit and stew and I'll get so hurt and rotten on the inside that I'll sabotage myself into hating everything for no reason at all::

::And then I'd be no better then those that hurt me in the first place, those that were so hypocritical and childish and mean - I don't want that::

::So while I'm no less hurt then I was 20 minutes ago, I'd like to think I'm a slightly more calm. And while I know I'll always be effected by all sorts of trivial issues its good to know I can get through it without punching my managers in the face::

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Been Awhile... [08 Dec 2008|12:23am]
::It feels like ages since I posted. I think back to the days I posted daily, even twice daily and I wonder what the hell was wrong with me. How and why did I have so much time to dick around on the computer. Now I have to plan weeks ahead to see my mom, grocery shop, shit even do my laundry. Work then show, show then auditions, work then rehearsal THEN show. My life keeps me moving 20 hours a day. I'm exhausted, burnt out, cranky and POOR. Very very poor::

::I miss people I never see and never have time to see. Its so heartbreaking to miss people - and its more heartbreaking to have to see people you don't want to every day. Living alone and being independent is a pretty sad existence if you never have time to enjoy it. What good is working your ass off and scrapping the bottom of the barrel to be "an adult, and independent adult" when your life is not what you wanted::

::Its not easy to admit you're unhappy. Its not easy to admit your life is not what you want. Its easy to say 'its time for a change' and not so easy to do it. I look back and say what part of your life did you enjoy, really enjoy. Junior High sucked, High School sucked more, Normandale was decent 'til it all when to shit, my time at Mankato was a joke, and now I'm stage managing with a community theatre in Anoka Mn and serving, navigating the politics that come with working for a corporate restaurant with a bunch of 19 year old, gossiping, backstabbing fucktards - GEE what a life!::

::But perhaps I rush to negativity too quickly, I've always been prone to complaining; never giving situations the chance they deserve and ending up being my own worst enemy. There is a thin line between depression and clarity. Both provide knowledge of the things in your life, and how you wish to change them. And both tell you that just because there is a fruitful effort does not mean there will be a fruitful return. They make you cry about the same things, for different reasons and they are what create long winded midnight postings. Their difference lies in perception alone, glass half full or half empty; either way neither make your life worse or better unless you let it::

::My life is not what I dreamt of, it is not ideal, but it IS mine. I have a lot of wants, but my needs, my basic human needs are completely fulfilled. All of my head aches and griping aside I am privileged to live the life I do and while it may not be what I dreamt its nothing to sneeze at either::
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Windy [26 Oct 2008|08:29pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

::Found a new place::


::started moving in today, and have tomorrow and Tuesday::

::Bowl stuff is better, thank goodness::

::The economy really suck, awk!::

::Due to the move I'll be internet/TV-less for awhile::

::My spring show is now MY FAIR LADY::

::I feel so MIA lately, busy busy busy::

::There are people I miss so much::

::There are people I see daily who'd I'd like to not see daily::

::It was windy today - the end::

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Scramble [29 Sep 2008|11:10am]
::My lease is up in a month. Emily and Ryan have found a new place and are getting their new keys on Wednesday. Leaving me to stress and freak out about not being able to find ANYTHING suitable. I really hate this, I need to find a place NOW::

::My schedule at the bowl is really weird, some really great shifts and some bad. Its hard to say whether this is a symptom of my poor shop or if this is the way he's doing it now. I know most people are getting odd shifts too. Like this girl who ALWAYS got what she wanted is now getting bad shifts, so I guess he's just trying to even the score::

::I'm falling behind of stuff. I have a really long to do list that's kind of kicking my ass. Plus I've been feeling sick too, so that does not help::

::VIRGINIA rehearsals have started and so my days are very full. OKLAHOMA is no more. Chan dinner theatre got our rights yanked b/c they though we were a threat so now what we are going to do for the spring musical is TBA::

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'bout time [22 Sep 2008|09:28pm]
[ mood | drained ]

::Alrighty, so its been about a month since I last posted::

::The bowl is going well, I'm getting ok shifts despite my "fall from grace". This little karmic bite in the ass being me getting rated (secret shopped)and getting a perfect and then less then a week later getting, well, a not perfect; which is quite unacceptable. But now, two weeks later, after two more shops on other servers with worse scores then mine the hope is that my indiscretion is forgotten (although I have a feeling nothing is forgotten there)::

::Personal stuff is a whirlwind. I seeing a guy but we're not dating. Well we're dating but not in a relationship and - its just really stupid and I'm kind of fed up. He's great and I think we are great together but something isn't fitting right and that scares me::

::I'm into my Xmas show now and its already off to a rocky start. Two leads backed out and now we are scrambling - uck! I'm really looking forward to Oklahoma, can you believe it?::

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Moving into Fall [21 Aug 2008|11:44pm]
[ mood | awake ]

::Update time, I guess::

::BOYFRIEND is over, the show was fun and I met a lot of great people, but I'm glad I have my life back, for a while anyway::

::The AGATHA CHRISTIE ONE ACTS went up and down without too much drama, I'm glad that was nice and quick::

::VIRGINIA will audition soon and that will take over my life::

::Em has officially decided to move in with Ryan, which I knew was going to be the case, and I'm glad she finally decided so I can look for a new place - and maybe a new roomie::

::I'm looking for a second job. The Bowl is great but I'm not making the money I need to and with the new show starting I know I won't get good shifts::

::And I'm looking for a new place, probably solo, I'm really not sure. I need a new car, mines getting pretty bad but I can't afford it::

::I have a boy interest, he's great, but really unwilling to commit, which is the story of my life, right - awk!::

::I guess thats that, not a whole lot of anything::

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[13 Aug 2008|03:43pm]
I hate not knowing what to do when things happen that could really change you life
What to do, what to do...
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Opening [12 Jul 2008|03:17pm]
::The show is open::

::the drama has slowly died, sort of::

::wishing I kept up with friends and people I think are cool better::

::deep breath, onward and upward::
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Even More [06 Jul 2008|12:21am]
[ mood | busy ]

::So if the Bowl drama was not enough the show has hit new heights::

::Tech is stressful enough but with the addition of an unheard of request, I'm really pissed::

::All due respect to this company and the volunteers that dedicate their time but my job entails certain things and when you take away one of the most important things that you hired me for just to "give the board op something of interest to do" that's crossing a line for me::

::While the problem will be 'addressed' on Monday, I have eighteen million other things on my plate too. So this bull shit is the LAST thing I need::

::I really don't want to burn a connection here but I feel like I need to not only stand my ground but be steadfast, unmoving - "no matter how hard the wind blows the mountain cannot bow to it"::

::Nevertheless I must move on. I went into the bowl today to BEG someone to cover my shift tomorrow night b/c I have tech. One of the people with seniority told me she already asked everyone to cover her shift and no one would - so I was most likely screwed::

::To her horror I found someone who was willing to work a double for me, which ROCKS!! like you can't understand because I simply would not have been there and gotten in a lot of trouble for it. She seemed REALLY pissed but she's kind of a bitch anyway so I don't feel bad::

::So that's it, my life all fucked up, but what else is new, right. Hope all had a good fourth, much merriment and such::

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Here goes... [01 Jul 2008|04:43pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]


Ted - you are great, but stop playing favorites
Larry - its called deodorant
Jessamyn - saying hello will not make you less of a person
Ashley - words can't even describe what a horrible, soulless person you are
Liz - we all know you're better then the rest of us, you've made that clear
Peter - man whore
Ali - admit you're cheating and lets move on
Helen - stay the FUCK out of my life
Robin - you're the worst gossip of all
Jen - its ok to not be sunshine all the time
Meg - you have no idea what REALLY goes on when you're not around
Austin - you're a riot but slow down, its not a race
Mark - thank you for being a pillar
Katie - I like you, everyone else hates you, I like BECAUSE everyone else hates you
Jimmy - be real about how you really feel, for once
Bella - stop snorting crack
Brian - get a watch
Samsal - cheating man whore
Ash h - we're friends not enemies, stop trying to one up everyone
Josh - EVERYONE hate you, FYI
Viv - everyone makes mistakes, it being supportive that makes you a good person
Jake - why do you work if you never want to be there
Kopp - you're not better then everyone else, so pull the stick out of your ass!
Alex - try harder
Sean - wow I hate you
Jose - ass hole is just the beginning
Jessica - opening your legs to every dick at the bowl will not make you a better server
Derek - you're gay, we get it
Amber - you're a drunk, get some help

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Hmm [19 Jun 2008|11:22pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

I have 2 friends:
Friend A is needy, demanding and wants what they want when they want it.
Friend B is not the brightest crayon in the box and eager to please.
They have now started dating.
I know A is just using B to get what they want in their current situation.
Soon the situation will change and no doubt A will drop B.
Although A claims they really like B, taking them out of the situation in which they connected and met through may just shatter A's disillusion of infatuation.
I'm worried that A will stay in this relationship not because they want to but because they feel like they have to.
A knows if they drop B their true motivation for wanting B in the first place might be revealed - A was using B, still is.
It's sooo hard to watch.

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[19 Jun 2008|04:17pm]
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