Tika (tika_faeri) wrote,

Been Awhile...

::It feels like ages since I posted. I think back to the days I posted daily, even twice daily and I wonder what the hell was wrong with me. How and why did I have so much time to dick around on the computer. Now I have to plan weeks ahead to see my mom, grocery shop, shit even do my laundry. Work then show, show then auditions, work then rehearsal THEN show. My life keeps me moving 20 hours a day. I'm exhausted, burnt out, cranky and POOR. Very very poor::

::I miss people I never see and never have time to see. Its so heartbreaking to miss people - and its more heartbreaking to have to see people you don't want to every day. Living alone and being independent is a pretty sad existence if you never have time to enjoy it. What good is working your ass off and scrapping the bottom of the barrel to be "an adult, and independent adult" when your life is not what you wanted::

::Its not easy to admit you're unhappy. Its not easy to admit your life is not what you want. Its easy to say 'its time for a change' and not so easy to do it. I look back and say what part of your life did you enjoy, really enjoy. Junior High sucked, High School sucked more, Normandale was decent 'til it all when to shit, my time at Mankato was a joke, and now I'm stage managing with a community theatre in Anoka Mn and serving, navigating the politics that come with working for a corporate restaurant with a bunch of 19 year old, gossiping, backstabbing fucktards - GEE what a life!::

::But perhaps I rush to negativity too quickly, I've always been prone to complaining; never giving situations the chance they deserve and ending up being my own worst enemy. There is a thin line between depression and clarity. Both provide knowledge of the things in your life, and how you wish to change them. And both tell you that just because there is a fruitful effort does not mean there will be a fruitful return. They make you cry about the same things, for different reasons and they are what create long winded midnight postings. Their difference lies in perception alone, glass half full or half empty; either way neither make your life worse or better unless you let it::

::My life is not what I dreamt of, it is not ideal, but it IS mine. I have a lot of wants, but my needs, my basic human needs are completely fulfilled. All of my head aches and griping aside I am privileged to live the life I do and while it may not be what I dreamt its nothing to sneeze at either::
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