Tika (tika_faeri) wrote,

  • Mood:

What a morning...

::One small silly thing and I reel into an anger so tight, so thorough that I start shacking and crying and imagining punching walls and wanting to scream so much I shatter glass::

::Building & building & building the anger has to come out, somehow has to come out but I can't punch a wall and I can't scream and so I cry, like some idiot::

::My stupid, insignificant life and the horrible people in it that I see every day and whom I have to be so fake to just to get through the day without confrontation or the threat of unemployment - its a joke, on me I think::

::I work my ass off to scrape the bottom of the barrel EVERY month to pay my bills; and I miss my friends, the people I never see b/c I'm too busy working toward being something I don't know how to be::

::I try, I really do, to stay as positive as I can about things I know aren't fair and things I know I'll never change - but when something really shitty happens to you and you alone you can't always rise above it - sometimes you need to be mad, I need to be mad::

::As irritating and infuriating as it is to think I'm 5 again I know I need to cry and scream and through a tantrum because if I don't, if I try and let it go it'll sit and stew and I'll get so hurt and rotten on the inside that I'll sabotage myself into hating everything for no reason at all::

::And then I'd be no better then those that hurt me in the first place, those that were so hypocritical and childish and mean - I don't want that::

::So while I'm no less hurt then I was 20 minutes ago, I'd like to think I'm a slightly more calm. And while I know I'll always be effected by all sorts of trivial issues its good to know I can get through it without punching my managers in the face::
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